Recently I was having
a couple pretty good weeks. I was feeling so good! I was sharing with everyone
how I really felt like I was accepting the fact that I struggle with depression
and accepting the fact that when I’m struggling it is okay to do what I need to
do to get through the day. This is how it is. It is always something I will
deal with and I have no choice but to deal with it. I was starting to be optimistic
that it had become more of a seasonal thing and that I would get a few good
months with the sun starting to shine through.
Well, then it hit again
and more anxiety then depression. Really, I hate that feeling like your insides
are being twisted and you can’t relieve it. Why? What was I so stressed about? I
felt frustrated and upset with myself not that I was having a bad moment but
that I couldn't be accepting and handle that moment as I kept talking about
doing. I even started a blog post that day when I had my husband come home
early because I just didn't want to deal anymore but couldn't finish it. Even
now I keep closing word and open it back up. Why am I even sharing this? At one
point I felt it was a good idea so I will just keep going on that.
It is exhausting and I am frustrated and you know what maybe
I have a right to be. As anyone who deals with a chronic illness would know it’s
exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m sick of
feeling like I let people down and being a flake because plans fall through.
Yes having friends help but they can’t take care of you all day long.
Medication helps, therapy helps but it will never go away. It will always be
there stopping me from being the person I know I can be. It is so draining. I
just want to be myself. When I start coming out of a depression I feel like a
whole new person but, I've realized that I really just feel like myself again.
I plan on visiting a therapist again to learn how to handle
my current situation but I am feeling awfully stubborn about it at the moment
(don’t worry it doesn't last long). I want to be a little self-righteous for a
while and feel angry and frustrated. At least it’s a different emotion then
what I usually feel. I feel a little irritated as feelings of gratitude and
love creep in and rescue me.
Gratitude, really? Grateful that I am one that was dealing with
depression long before life even got more complicated with a husband and kids
so I am better equipped to handle new challenges. Grateful that I have amazing
supportive parents that I can just call in tears with whatever I’m struggling
with because they have been there through it all. I don’t have to explain
anything to them. Grateful for an amazing and I mean AMAZING husband who
carries the weight of my issues with such delicacy, love and care. Who is one
step from sainthood not being upset having to pick up the pieces when I fall
short. And even more grateful for the knowledge that this life is just a small
moment and that when I am with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I will
stand as myself. Not as the one who always falls short, is always struggling.
That one day my children and the ones I love will really be able to see me for
who I really am. The person I know I am.
I know exactly the knot you are talking about. And I love the last paragraph of this post. Perspective. It's all about knowing and accepting the right perspective.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I love reading other people's blogs and reading what they have to say. I love that people (you) are so trusting and willing to share and open up about very personal matters. If we could all just know what everyone else was going through, I think everyone would be a little kinder, a little more helpful, and we'd all be a little happier. So don't stop sharing! :)
ReplyDeleteApril, thank you for sharing your heart with us. I know I don't understand all that you go through, but I understand some pieces. I often struggle with getting overwhelmed over seemingly small things or feeling that emotional, physical, mental, and/or spiritual exhaustion you spoke of, so I drop everything outside of just getting through the day at home, which leaves me feeling like I am letting people down and being a flake too. In all reality, I think we are harder on ourselves for our slip-ups than others will be. But it is a hard battle dealing with our own struggles, and feeling that not only are we not living up to our own expectations, but that we are not living up to others' expectations of us either. Just know you have NEVER come across as a flake to me, which doesn't fix all that you deal with, but maybe it's a reassurance of something.
ReplyDeleteOn a more important note, I want you to know that I admire you so much. You are an incredible woman! I always see you striving to improve yourself in many facets of life. You are goal-oriented and hard-working. I am often inspired when I hear you say you want to work on this or learn about that. You are always working on building yourself, growing in knowledge, and improving the lives of your family members and friends. You are thoughtful, selfless, kind, and you have an incredible heart. Just know that while you are fully aware of your struggles, you don't have to feel like you are letting people down or being a flake, because I can attest that those around you just see the goodness that radiates from you. There is too much good in you to notice anything else. I know this is a real struggle though, and I want you to know that I am always just a phone call away. I love you friend! Thank you for being you!
I have felt the same way, and it is so draining but the good days give me hope! Writing my feelings out, seems to always help me. So I hope you keep up this blog to help yourself and get the support and encouragement that I hope will help you as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I finally remembered to read your blog! I really hope you keep up with it, because I think I, and many others, have a lot to learn. I think our family "experiences" have taught us quite a bit about life, not least of all compassion and understanding for others' circumstances. I do remember, somewhat shamefully, when you were struggling previous to your diagnosis, I would think to myself, "Oh, April, just get out of bed and go! We all have days we just don't want to deal, but we just have to suck it up!" What a young jerk I was! :) But with your struggle and how you dealt with it, I learned to understand that each of us has our weaknesses, some more obvious than others and you really can't judge someone else unworthy just because their struggle is different than yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know you were making a point, and it is a great perspective, but I did want to say that your family sees you now, and we LOVE who you are. I know what you're saying, because I also look forward to the day that we can stand free of all our mortal weaknesses and just "be", but I wanted to make sure you knew that love from others is not contingent on you being your perfect self - I love you FOR your imperfections!
Love,
Your Proud Big Sister