Sunday, March 30, 2014

March Madness

Dear Friends,
First thank you for all the comments and support I have received. I have had many people contact me and related their own struggles. You all inspire me, Thank You.

Yes, it has been a while. Is it just me or has this month gone a little haywire for the rest of you? The month started with me receiving some news that a dear friend was being put through a trial of her own. As I (with others) did what we could to support her through this trial my husband and I received news throughout this month of a couple different family members being diagnosed with cancer. On top of it all we have had multiple birthdays to celebrate this month and a high school friend of my husband and his family has moved in with us until May. It was through some type of miracle I agreed to this, I have to tell you. For some reason I felt totally at ease about it. Granted I agreed to this before I started having my week of anxiety. Also, I have taken multiple trips to the Dr for my children and they have had a random array of illnesses.

To be honest it has been difficult in ways I wasn’t expecting. I am a pretty confident person and pretty accepting on how I live my life compared to others. When another stay-at-home mom is living with you, with children of similar ages, it makes it all too easy to compare. That first week was pretty rough for me. I even got really upset that they made it to church on time and we were still there after them. I mean seriously…church starts at 8:30 am, they were up, made breakfast, sat down and ate breakfast as a family and were ready on time! Really, who does that? So maybe a lot of people…but for us our mornings look like this…wait till the very last minute to get up, roll out of bed, get ready while Hubby gets the girls up and ready, get to church and then feed the girls breakfast there. I think my biggest problem was that I hated that this is what our mornings were like.

Lucky for me though, I hate feeling upset or bad about myself so I knew I had to fix my way of thinking. I was finally able to humble myself and accept the fact that I wasn’t perfect and take the opportunity to improve. This wonderful mother actually sits down with her toddler and eats her meals during the day with him…which we have started doing as well. Normally, I don’t eat during the day usually because of one of three reasons, 1. I don’t want to eat what my toddler wants to eat, 2. I have zero appetite, or 3. I just have five other things I have started and still haven’t finished. (It’s very difficult for me to be interrupted when I am trying to get something done which is why motherhood has been especially challenging to me. I’ve really learned not to have any expectation of completing anything in a certain amount of time because I just get really angry when it doesn’t happen.) Anyway, this is something I know I want to improve on because my body (and mood) need it and I feel it sets a good example to my children.

I have finally been motivated to start exercising again. It has been a goal of mine for quite some time but, I have been lacking in motivation, energy and “time”. The nice thing of having someone sharing your home is that someone else is there so you can leave your home during naptime. I have to mention as well that I finally saw a Dr. and got my thyroid checked and it was waayy off. No surprise there. I have been back on my medication which I feel has really helped with my energy levels and ability to accomplish things.


Well, there is my drawn out shortened update for you. If your March has been anything like mine I hope you have fared it without too much damage. Isn’t there a saying along the lines of Spring coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb? Here’s hoping!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Falling Back

Recently I  was having a couple pretty good weeks. I was feeling so good! I was sharing with everyone how I really felt like I was accepting the fact that I struggle with depression and accepting the fact that when I’m struggling it is okay to do what I need to do to get through the day. This is how it is. It is always something I will deal with and I have no choice but to deal with it. I was starting to be optimistic that it had become more of a seasonal thing and that I would get a few good months with the sun starting to shine through.

 Well, then it hit again and more anxiety then depression. Really, I hate that feeling like your insides are being twisted and you can’t relieve it. Why? What was I so stressed about? I felt frustrated and upset with myself not that I was having a bad moment but that I couldn't be accepting and handle that moment as I kept talking about doing. I even started a blog post that day when I had my husband come home early because I just didn't want to deal anymore but couldn't finish it. Even now I keep closing word and open it back up. Why am I even sharing this? At one point I felt it was a good idea so I will just keep going on that.

It is exhausting and I am frustrated and you know what maybe I have a right to be. As anyone who deals with a chronic illness would know it’s exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m sick of feeling like I let people down and being a flake because plans fall through. Yes having friends help but they can’t take care of you all day long. Medication helps, therapy helps but it will never go away. It will always be there stopping me from being the person I know I can be. It is so draining. I just want to be myself. When I start coming out of a depression I feel like a whole new person but, I've realized that I really just feel like myself again.

I plan on visiting a therapist again to learn how to handle my current situation but I am feeling awfully stubborn about it at the moment (don’t worry it doesn't last long). I want to be a little self-righteous for a while and feel angry and frustrated. At least it’s a different emotion then what I usually feel. I feel a little irritated as feelings of gratitude and love creep in and rescue me.


Gratitude, really? Grateful that I am one that was dealing with depression long before life even got more complicated with a husband and kids so I am better equipped to handle new challenges. Grateful that I have amazing supportive parents that I can just call in tears with whatever I’m struggling with because they have been there through it all. I don’t have to explain anything to them. Grateful for an amazing and I mean AMAZING husband who carries the weight of my issues with such delicacy, love and care. Who is one step from sainthood not being upset having to pick up the pieces when I fall short. And even more grateful for the knowledge that this life is just a small moment and that when I am with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I will stand as myself. Not as the one who always falls short, is always struggling. That one day my children and the ones I love will really be able to see me for who I really am. The person I know I am.