March Madness

Dear Friends,

First thank you for all the comments and support I have received. I have had many people contact me and related their own struggles. You all inspire me, Thank You.

Yes, it has been a while. Is it just me or has this month gone a little haywire for the rest of you? The month started with me receiving some news that a dear friend was being put through a trial of her own. As I (with others) did what we could to support her through this trial my husband and I received news throughout this month of a couple different family members being diagnosed with cancer. On top of it all we have had multiple birthdays to celebrate this month and a high school friend of my husband and his family has moved in with us until May. It was through some type of miracle I agreed to this, I have to tell you. For some reason I felt totally at ease about it. Granted I agreed to this before I started having my week of anxiety. Also, I have taken multiple trips to the Dr for my children and they have had a random array of illnesses.

To be honest it has been difficult in ways I wasn’t expecting. I am a pretty confident person and pretty accepting on how I live my life compared to others. When another stay-at-home mom is living with you, with children of similar ages, it makes it all too easy to compare. That first week was pretty rough for me. I even got really upset that they made it to church on time and we were still there after them. I mean seriously…church starts at 8:30 am, they were up, made breakfast, sat down and ate breakfast as a family and were ready on time! Really, who does that? So maybe a lot of people…but for us our mornings look like this…wait till the very last minute to get up, roll out of bed, get ready while Hubby gets the girls up and ready, get to church and then feed the girls breakfast there. I think my biggest problem was that I hated that this is what our mornings were like.

Lucky for me though, I hate feeling upset or bad about myself so I knew I had to fix my way of thinking. I was finally able to humble myself and accept the fact that I wasn’t perfect and take the opportunity to improve. This wonderful mother actually sits down with her toddler and eats her meals during the day with him…which we have started doing as well. Normally, I don’t eat during the day usually because of one of three reasons, 1. I don’t want to eat what my toddler wants to eat, 2. I have zero appetite, or 3. I just have five other things I have started and still haven’t finished. (It’s very difficult for me to be interrupted when I am trying to get something done which is why motherhood has been especially challenging to me. I’ve really learned not to have any expectation of completing anything in a certain amount of time because I just get really angry when it doesn’t happen.) Anyway, this is something I know I want to improve on because my body (and mood) need it and I feel it sets a good example to my children.

I have finally been motivated to start exercising again. It has been a goal of mine for quite some time but, I have been lacking in motivation, energy and “time”. The nice thing of having someone sharing your home is that someone else is there so you can leave your home during naptime. I have to mention as well that I finally saw a Dr. and got my thyroid checked and it was waayy off. No surprise there. I have been back on my medication which I feel has really helped with my energy levels and ability to accomplish things.

Well, there is my drawn out shortened update for you. If your March has been anything like mine I hope you have fared it without too much damage. Isn’t there a saying along the lines of Spring coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb? Here’s hoping!

Falling Back

Recently I  was having a couple pretty good weeks. I was feeling so good! I was sharing with everyone how I really felt like I was accepting the fact that I struggle with depression and accepting the fact that when I’m struggling it is okay to do what I need to do to get through the day. This is how it is. It is always something I will deal with and I have no choice but to deal with it. I was starting to be optimistic that it had become more of a seasonal thing and that I would get a few good months with the sun starting to shine through.

 Well, then it hit again and more anxiety then depression. Really, I hate that feeling like your insides are being twisted and you can’t relieve it. Why? What was I so stressed about? I felt frustrated and upset with myself not that I was having a bad moment but that I couldn't be accepting and handle that moment as I kept talking about doing. I even started a blog post that day when I had my husband come home early because I just didn't want to deal anymore but couldn't finish it. Even now I keep closing word and open it back up. Why am I even sharing this? At one point I felt it was a good idea so I will just keep going on that.

It is exhausting and I am frustrated and you know what maybe I have a right to be. As anyone who deals with a chronic illness would know it’s exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m sick of feeling like I let people down and being a flake because plans fall through. Yes having friends help but they can’t take care of you all day long. Medication helps, therapy helps but it will never go away. It will always be there stopping me from being the person I know I can be. It is so draining. I just want to be myself. When I start coming out of a depression I feel like a whole new person but, I've realized that I really just feel like myself again.

I plan on visiting a therapist again to learn how to handle my current situation but I am feeling awfully stubborn about it at the moment (don’t worry it doesn't last long). I want to be a little self-righteous for a while and feel angry and frustrated. At least it’s a different emotion then what I usually feel. I feel a little irritated as feelings of gratitude and love creep in and rescue me.

Gratitude, really? Grateful that I am one that was dealing with depression long before life even got more complicated with a husband and kids so I am better equipped to handle new challenges. Grateful that I have amazing supportive parents that I can just call in tears with whatever I’m struggling with because they have been there through it all. I don’t have to explain anything to them. Grateful for an amazing and I mean AMAZING husband who carries the weight of my issues with such delicacy, love and care. Who is one step from sainthood not being upset having to pick up the pieces when I fall short. And even more grateful for the knowledge that this life is just a small moment and that when I am with my Heavenly Father and my Savior again I will stand as myself. Not as the one who always falls short, is always struggling. That one day my children and the ones I love will really be able to see me for who I really am. The person I know I am.

One other thing...

I have been hesitant to really write anything personal on this blog. The online community can be a very vicious space at times. In recent struggles I have felt the need to reach out to others to let them know they are not alone and to help me realize I am not alone.  I suffer from chronic depression. This is something I have always tried to be open about but I still worry about opening up about. There are so many misunderstandings about depression and that word is used for an array of issues. 

For many people it can come as a surprise that it is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I was diagnosed at the age 16. I remember feeling a huge relief when a diagnosis was given. Finally, there was a reason I felt the way I had for the majority of my life. More than anything I received hope that day. Hope that I could leave the dark place I had lived for so long. There is so much I have lived and learned in my almost 30 years of battle with this disease and so much more I’m sure I will share but I won’t get into too many details for the moment. 

I have come a long way in the past decade or so but becoming a wife and a mother presents challenges that are difficult to most. Many things I will talk about on this blog will relate to my role as Mommy as it is the most dominant one in my life at the moment. My blog name stems from the continuous struggles I have and will continue to have. Many of them I am sure will sound similar to struggles every mother has but for me it is an even more exhausting battle to fight. At the base of almost everything I do is first the battle of my “depression” and then on top of that the task at hand. 

The main focus for this blog is my life, what I am working on and what I am doing. This will range from a recipe I just tried to how I got out of bed that morning but since my first post I felt the need to be a little more specific on what else I have to survive. I have no idea how to start this conversation but here it is. I don’t know how many people will ever read this blog but if there is anyone else out there that needs a support please don’t hesitate to contact me! 

Survival for the Rest of Us

I originally started a blog a while ago to keep track of different recipes I had tried, changed, and liked. You are welcome to check it out here: http://acrazikitchen.blogspot.com/, but just so you know the three post that are on there now are likely to be the only ones there. 

I've decided since, that I needed a different type of blog. I wanted something that I could post whatever I wanted. I have been spending months lately a little to obsessed with trying to come up with the perfect preschool curriculum for my 2 ½ year old, but wouldn't it be great to share what I have found just in case there is at least one other lunatic out there looking for the same thing I am? 

I have also, recently been designing (very poorly) my own printables to use for things when weeks of being glued to my computer have not turned up the results I was looking for. Maybe, I should have a place to share those just in case there is just one more person just like me who wants them too. 

Now in recent conversation I have had a friend convince me to share more of my life experiences, struggles, and how I make it through. I have always tried to be very open about my life but taking it to a place where I might not properly say what I am trying to say makes me a little nervous. I have a deep rooted anxiety of being misunderstood but I love bouncing around ideas and learning from others. 

So here it is my disclaimer; I suck at grammar and spelling, and even writing most days. I am only an expert in my own life and experiences (okay not really). Do not take what I say as fact (and recommend doing this for everything else you hear), take what seems right to you and feel free to share your thoughts. I may post once a year or once a day, don’t expect consistency. All I ask to those few people that will read my blog is try to be open, understanding and non-judgmental and I promise to do the same. There will never be one right way of thinking, believing and living. Welcome and enjoy the ramblings…